I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just gargled with NyQuil
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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