Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
