I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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