i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
