its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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