Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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