It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
