Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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