The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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