i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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