I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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