I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
