to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
