rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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