yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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