If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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