nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
