Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
