9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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