I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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