My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
