Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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