The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
