just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
