since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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