I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
