What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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