We're facebook friends in real life
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.