trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
