Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
