Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?