The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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