From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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