i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
