my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
