Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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