I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
