I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
