Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
