so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
