Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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