Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
