The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
