Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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