i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
