I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
