Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
last night I used snow as a chaser
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize