I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
