I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
