turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
