yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
