she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
