I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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