I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
