His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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