so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
