So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
