I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
