Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
