Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
