Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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