oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
