I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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