i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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